Author: RE

… and its importance for female sexuality

If your sex education lessons were anything like mine, then you also got exercise sheets on which the male and female sexual organs were depicted, which you then had to name correctly one after the other. Didn’t you think that women got the short end of the stick compared to men in terms of arousal and pleasure? The man had the clearly visible sexual organs, testicles and penis, and the penis also swelled and grew larger when aroused. The woman had… you found it after some searching, that little spot, the clitoris. Not very impressive, was it? Women did have a uterus to carry babies, but men seemed somehow better equipped when it came to arousal and pleasure. If the man had the whole length of his penis at his disposal, and the woman only had this little spot, it didn’t seem very likely that pleasure and delight could be similarly intense in man and woman.

The tip of the iceberg

Many, many years later “the news”! What we have come to know as “the clitoris” is just the tip of the iceberg, namely the clitoral glans (its head). However, the glans of the clitoris is only that part of the clitoris that is visible from the outside. In addition, there are the two legs that run around the vagina and two bulbs that lie below the labia. The entire clitoris is not 1-2 cm, but a whopping 9-11 cm long!

For comparison, here is another picture that we all know well in one way or another: The woman with only one “dot”. It is shocking! And that’s unfortunately how it’s still taught in most cases! The first publishers are now revising their books. Let’s see how long it takes until the picture above has arrived everywhere and the picture below belongs to the sad past.

Why it is important to know the anatomy of the clitoris

Only in the course of embryonic development do the sexual organs of male and female differentiate. However, the basic material is the same, which then takes on a slightly different form. It is therefore not surprising that the anatomy, function and sensation of pleasure of the clitoris and penis are very similar. The erectile tissue (bulbs) of the clitoris swells during arousal in the same way as the penis does and becomes larger. When aroused, the bulbs can potentially even be observed from the outside, when they are showing under the skin of the labia. This means that the woman is or can be just as lustful as the man. And instead of a tiny dot, the woman has a whole, large organ at her disposal. The only organ in the human body, by the way, whose sole purpose it is to give pleasure and gain lust.

Now that the anatomy of the clitoris is known, it also becomes clear that the “vaginal” orgasm does not exist. If a woman experiences a climax through penetration alone (and this only works for a minority), it is still the clitoris that makes it possible, because here the clitoris, or more precisely its erectile tissue (bulbs), is stimulated via the inside of the vagina. A vaginal orgasm is therefore in fact always a clitoral orgasm. It should be noted that the lower part of the vagina, near the opening, plays the important role here, and the rest of the vagina contributes much less to the arousal.

Then why is female sexuality so “complicated”?

Unfortunately, there are many factors that stand in the way of experiencing a relaxed and pleasurable sexuality. On the one hand, there is a lack of knowledge about anatomy, but there is also shame, taboos and misinformation regarding sexuality. There are only a few who speak openly about sexuality, but somehow everyone should intuitively know how “it” works.

Example penetration

As we now know, a vaginal orgasm is actually a clitoral orgasm. But not all women can achieve an orgasm through penetration alone. It depends on how the clitoris and vagina are positioned in relation to each other. Now, when women try to have a “vaginal” orgasm and it doesn’t work, they may think there’s something wrong with them. That’s not the case. In fact, they belong to the majority of women who need a different form of stimulation to reach climax.

Example masturbation

Women and men learn best what they like when they first explore their bodies on their own. While masturbation is unfortunately still often a taboo for both sexes, it is more likely accepted for men. However, many women have their first sexual experience with a partner. Female masturbation is still often not a matter of course. And yet they have a wonderful organ whose sole purpose it is to give them pleasure.

Example shame

Many women feel insecure about their bodies. This is certainly true for men as well, but especially when it comes to the vulva, there is a lot of shame. Female sexuality is so fraught with myths and misinformation that it’s no wonder women feel ashamed of many things that are actually normal and natural.

Commercials suggests that we need to wash our vagina so that it smells “fresh”. This is nonsense! The vagina cleans itself and attempts to clean it using products can easily destroy the sensitive balance. And then the “fun” really begins, because the vagina is then susceptible to disease. Even during menstruation, women should be careful not to smell. For this purpose there are pads with a fresh scent. Who pays attention to the scent of freshness during a nosebleed? Nobody. But when it comes out at the bottom, it’s disgusting, and women should feel ashamed.

We learn that women have large and small “shame-lips”. In German we often call them shame-lips! And women whose inner labia are bigger than the outer ones may start to think something is wrong with them. Porn in particular doesn’t help there, because it seems that what is shown above all is a standard vulva, which is similar to the illustrations from the books. Luckily, there is now the “great wall of vagina” that shows both women and men that vulvas, like penises, come in many shapes and sizes. (By the way, colors too.)

It is said that the anatomy of the clitoris was not fully discovered until 1998, but other sources suggest that the full size of the clitoris was discovered much earlier. Why did this knowledge disappear into obscurity again? Good question! But the fact that only about 50% of the population has a clitoris seemed insufficient to make this knowledge available to the general public. Not giving it its due consideration is not the worst though. All the things that have been claimed about the clitoris, and all the things women and men have been talked into believing, are really disgusting. Here is an interesting article about it https://www.entitymag.com/clitoris-history/.

Example objectification

Although the woman’s body is constantly shown in sexual contexts, the woman herself is seldom the active, lustful subject. Women are supposed to be beautiful and attractive, but when a woman speaks publicly about having sex and wanting a lot of sex, a negative stigma is quickly placed on her. In the minds of both men and women, a sensual woman quickly becomes a slut. It is also inconceivable that she enjoys sex just for the fun of it, instead “she only craves male attention”.

In addition, we mainly see and hear that the man has sex, and that sex happens to the woman. In porn, the woman is mainly “used” to give pleasure to the man. We also hear about sexual acts mainly when there is talk of boundary violations and abuse, that is, when things go wrong. Since we don’t talk about the positive sides of sex and we only ever see the “mutually fulfilling act of penetration” in sex scenes in film, a rather distorted picture emerges of what sexuality is or can be .

Example Between the ears

Female and male arousal and desire can be different. For example, while many men seem to respond well to visual stimuli, many women seem to be easily excitable by sexual fantasies. Much of female sexuality takes place in their minds. This means that clitoral stimulation alone doesn’t always lead to fulfilling sex either. Much of the sex that we see, that we know, doesn’t take that into account at all. But if a woman knows it, and her partner responds to it, sex can be truly fulfilling for everyone involved. That it takes a long time for women to reach orgasm is not true, by the way. Many women report having no problems reaching orgasms quickly during masturbation. Therefore, women should not have to try to reach orgasm faster. Instead, sexual encounters should be much more responsive to different needs, rather than following a preconceived pattern and image of sex.

Example Unwanted pregnancy

In addition to all of the above, there is also the fear of an unwanted pregnancy, which unfortunately women still carry alone far too often. If a woman takes the pill, these hormones can significantly reduce her libido. And if she doesn’t take the pill, there is always a residual risk of an unwanted pregnancy with condoms and the like (but of course also with the pill). If, in the event of an unwanted pregnancy, an abortion is out of the question, pregnancy and motherhood mean in many cases an enormous burden and the end of many a dream. Even if an abortion is an option, it is often an tremendous physical and psychological burden, because shame, guilt and taboo play a role here too, and the woman usually has to endure this on her own.

What can we do?

With all these influences, it is not surprising that women eventually lose interest in sex or experience sexual desire less often than men. On the one hand, it is often not really clear to neither her nor her partner what actually gives her pleasure, on the other hand, sexuality is often associated with negative examples and negative consequences for women. However, there are ways that all sexes can achieve a fulfilling sexuality, but that requires some effort and overcoming mental barriers:

1. Talk about sex. With your partner, but also with friends. Sex should no longer be taboo. If we finally start talking about this topic, without shame and embarrassment, we can learn so much from each other. Moreover, we can also understand much sooner that what we may be ashamed of is probably something perfectly normal.
2. Inform yourself. There are already good books about the sexuality of men and women that dispel many myths and encourage you to give yourself and each other pleasure, and also give tips and tricks on how it can work.
3. Next Generations: I hope that girls today no longer learn that their hymen “tears” when they have penetrative sex for the first time (that’s not true!), or that they “lose” their virginity as if it were something that determined their worth. I hope that current and future generations of girls and boys can be truly open and unashamed about their bodies and their pleasure. To do that, we should start treating sex not as something that can only be talked about, if at all, behind closed doors, but as something that can be beautiful and fulfilling for everybody involved. And that you’re not wrong if something doesn’t work out yet, you just have to figure out what feels good for you. If we start now, it will be easier for future generations to see sex for what it should be: the most pleasant pastime in the world!

And because she’s so beautiful, once again:

If you see a penis drawing somewhere, you can now draw a beautiful clitoris next to it. I’m sure she’d look great on a t-shirt too…and that would make a good icebreaker, too… 😀

With kind regards,

RE

Further reading:

https://www.deutschlandfunknova.de/beitrag/sexuelle-aufklaerung-schulbuecher-zeigen-jetzt-die-ganze-klitoris

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/cliteracy_n_3823983

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Clitoris

https://www.anatomyofpleasure.org/over-the-skin-what-you-can-see

Just enter “clitoris” into a search engine (suggestion for a search engine: duckduckgo, not google). Happy further reading 🙂

Featured Picture: 3D Model von Odile Fillod

As social animals that we are, it’s understandable that we want to be accepted by others and that we don’t want to attract negative attention. That usually requires that we’re not too different. Depending on the social group, the pressure to conform can be light or intense, and disregard may even result in exclusion from that group. Being different, or doing things differently, virtually always involves effort: you are often asked (even urged) to explain and justify yourself; you often have to endure criticism, scorn and rejection; and the acquisition and implementation of new knowledge requires time and energy. Still, I see three good reasons to deviate from the norm or expectations of others every now and then that are worth the effort:

1. Being more authentic and therefore happier

We are regularly confronted with the expectations of others that do not match our own needs. In such cases we must make a choice: either conform to the expectations of others, or to what we ourselves want or need. Past experiences have consistently made it clear to me that there is great satisfaction in following your own path instead of meeting expectations that are not in line with who you are. I strongly believe that we can lead much happier lives when we dare to be authentic.

Example dress code

I could give tons of examples here, but I’ll limit myself to two examples that should sufficiently illustrate the main idea:

1) I wore white summer pants and a simple black top to my graduation ball. That didn’t go down well with everybody. Some classmates assumed that I was only doing it for the sake of doing things differently. That wasn’t the case. Putting on a fine dress, having the hair done by a hairdresser and putting on a lot of make-up might have been my classmates’ dream, but it definitely wasn’t mine. Yet I still wanted to go to that ball and I did not think that someone else´s opinion on how a graduation ball attendee should look like should be more important than my own opinion.

2) At some point I ordered barefoot toe shoes. How delighted I was to find that they existed! My then-flatmate asked me “You don’t really want to wear them in public, do you?” Of course I wanted to! That´s what they are for. At first it was strange though. For one because my feet had to get used to the shoes. And of course, most people around me were not yet accustomed to this type of shoes. I received many looks and comments, but also many questions of interest. That is, of course, very natural. I am also curious when I see something new, and looks or stares don´t automatically signal a negative attitude. But of course, the shoes were also often ridiculed. However, I realized that I really enjoyed walking in the shoes and didn’t want to go back to the old ones. If I had folded, I would have submitted to a dress code that didn’t do me any good, just because someone thought I should wear different shoes, even though my choice of shoes did not have any negative consequences at all for the other person. At some point everyone got used to the shoes and they were no longer an issue. Better still, at some point there were three of us walking down the hall in barefoot shoes…

Example I can’t make it today

If you have an appointment but actually prefer to do something else, or you just don’t feel like meeting up at the moment, you have a problem. Either you go to the meeting and somehow make the best of it, or you cancel. If you cancel however, especially at short notice, it is usually polite to explain yourself. Then you walk a fine line between potentially hurtful truth and a white lie when you try to give a good reason. Reasons such as “I just don’t feel like it” or “That’s actually none of your business” or “I don’t want to explain it now”, or “I don’t know actually” are usually not regarded as acceptable reasons. Sometimes it is easier in the short term to just go to the meeting, even if that means that you are not authentic. My sister solved this problem in an annoyingly elegant way: She cancels without giving any reason, and not even apologizing for it. I have to admit that it was very irritating in the beginning. After all, I had been looking forward to seeing her, and the last-minute cancellations without any explanation made me feel as if I wasn’t important enough to her – at first. We’re so used to another person explaining what came up that we feel entitled to an explanation. From an explanation you can usually extract whether something really came up, or whether it is perhaps something personal, i.e. the person might not really like you and doesn’t know how to tell you that. If such cancellations happen more often, you understand the underlying reason eventually and make no further attempts to keep in touch. But since I noticed over and over again that my sister made (big) efforts to stay in touch and showed genuine interest, thereby showing that I was indeed very important to her, it couldn’t be that. And eventually I cheered at her unapologetic cancellations. I had to rethink. Once I’ve managed to do that that, accepting a no-explanation-cancellation became easy. I know she has her reasons for doing this. I don’t fully understand them, but that’s not important. She’s doing it this way, and I can either get angry about it or just accept that she’s doing what’s right for her. After all, I don’t want her to meet me just because she feels obligated to do so. I want to meet her when it’s convenient for both of us, when we’re both up for it, and not because the meeting is planned and you cannot cancel it. When a meeting doesn’t go through, there are plenty of other things I can do. These days I no longer schedule meetings with my sister, but we hit each other up at short notice when we have time. If it works out, great, if not, then we try again later. My point is: doing things differently doesn’t have to be a problem if the other side (in this case that’s me) shows some willingness to adapt and understanding instead of holding on to a code of conduct that doesn’t work for one or the other. If something comes up on my side, or I don’t feel like meeting up anymore and I would rather do something else, a short “Can’t do it today” is sufficient and I learned to appreciate the easiness and authenticity of it. I don’t need to worry about hurt feelings or hurt egos. If I don’t have to explain why I cancel, I also don’t have to walk the thin line between telling the real, potential hurtful reason and lying, or having to invent a good reason, when in fact I just don’t know why I’d rather not meet up. Meetings that do take place are all the nicer because we know that we’re both really in the mood. The reason “I just don’t want to right now” should be accepted and respected as a good reason. Often enough it’s difficult to figure out what’s good for ourselves and what we need, but once that’s clear, people should be encouraged to take their needs seriously, instead of forcing them to ignore their them by instilling feelings of guilt or by threatening to be angry. If we all did more of that, I’m sure we would all lead happier lives overall. In order to prevent misunderstandings you may want to clarify to the people you care about that you no longer adhere to the regular cancellation policy, which is however not a sign of rejection or antipathy😉

2. Paving the way for others

If we do things differently, for example because it is more in line with our nature, we not only make life easier/nicer for ourselves in the long term, we also make it easier for others to deviate from the norm. I had good role models in my childhood and adolescence, who showed me alternatives and at the same time demonstrated that deviating has no dramatic, negative consequences (mostly anyway). The fact that these role models existed inspired me to keep asking myself the questions “Do I actually want that?” and “What do I want?” And if necessary to say “No” and not to be swayed by pressure or negative reactions. Having role models is important, because “Seeing is believing!” When you see that others are doing it, then it’s not that big of a hurdle anymore to try it yourself. And if you yourself deviate from the norm when it makes sense and is right for you, then you can become a role model for somebody else.

Example alcohol

My mother never drank alcohol. Anyone who doesn’t drink or abstains from alcohol in a group setting from time to time will know that it is not always accepted as easily as it should be. Since my mother never drank, drinking alcohol was an option, not a must, and so was not-drinking. I knew I had a choice, and I chose not to drink. I was regularly asked about the underlying reasons I didn’t drink alcohol. For example, I was asked if I was a sober alcoholic, if my religion forbade it, whether I was pregnant, etc. Indirectly, these questions always implied “Something is wrong with you.” There were also always some strangers (they were never friends) who couldn’t cope with the fact that there was someone in the group who stayed sober and they tried to convince me to give it a try either by coaxing me, but also by being annoyed and being annoying. Every attempt to persuade or to urge me, however, was in vain and eventually they gave up (sometimes in a very bad mood). Compared to what my mother experienced in her youth, living in a village where alcohol flowed plentiful and regularly, my experiences were relatively benign. I’ve often felt that by fighting her battles, my mother made it easier for me – a generation later – to fight mine, because I think abstaining from alcohol is now more accepted as “normal”, than it was in her youth. But for that “new normal” it needed people like my mother who behaved differently from the masses and endured the negative responses other people felt the need to hand out. Knowing that my mother had not been swayed encouraged me not to give in to any pressure myself.

Example homosexuality

The fact that today same-sex couples can show their relationship publicly in quite a few – but by no means all – countries, without having to expect constant hostility and violence (although unfortunately this still happens far too often) is thanks to those people who have publicly shown that they are “different from the majority of society” in the past and endured the negative reactions instead of hiding or denying their being different. The people who “come out” today also help to make being different more normal and to come closer to acceptance and equality. I hope that at some point coming out won’t be necessary because it really won’t matter if you’re straight-bi-gay-a-etc-but right now it’s important to show the majority that deviations from the norm are okay, not a disease, and certainly not dangerous, and only become a problem when others make them a problem. And it is important to demonstrate to those people who are different that they are not alone. Especially to people living in countries where homosexuality is taboo and where it is associated with shame and fear. For example via social media they can find role models and acceptance and the feeling of belonging.

3. Ignite progress

If we all just always did what everyone else was doing, we would all tread water and not make any progress. But there is so much room for improvement, in all sorts of areas, that we can’t afford not to look for alternatives. Not every alternative is better, but sometimes it takes a trial-and-error approach to ultimately make progress for the better. It takes people who oppose the status-quo and question patterns of thought and behavior. This creates more space for new and different options that may in turn suit many more people much better, and that also better correspond with the zeitgeist.

Example veganism

Not the fact that I eat something, but the fact that I don’t eat some things has led to quite a few discussions. I have been actively involved in some conflicts by going on a collision course, but here I only discuss those where just being different was made a problem. I was portrayed as naïve “just because you stop eating meat now doesn’t save the world”. The suffering of other living beings was presented as unimportant “take care of the really important problems first” (as if problems had to be solved in series instead of in parallel). It was again insinuated that I wanted to make myself important by saying “You’re only doing that to be different.” They tried to provoke “Look, I’m eating a looooot of meat now!” I was portrayed as a hippie. It was pointed out how unhealthy all this vegan stuff was (meat is known to be very healthy of course…). Again and again attempts were made to show that I was wrong and that I shouldn’t be so radical. The word radical was often used as if I was a heavily armed resistance fighter who fought with the utmost vigor and ruthlessness, and not just a person who stopped eating some part of what they used to eat. Some time in the past some people started to question the husbandry and exploitation of animals and drew the necessary conclusions – they stopped using animal products. When I started, at the end of 2010, I was already able to draw on knowledge that others had discovered and shared, and which made the transition immensely easier for me. The product offer for vegans has increased immensely in the years since then and veganism is no longer seen as hype, but taken more seriously. In the meantime, I’ve noticed that I don’t have to explain myself anymore, but that non-vegans are starting to justify themselves. It always starts with individuals looking critically at the current situation and finding ways to make things better, to make the world a fairer place for everyone, especially those who cannot help themselves and who are at their mercy. And if those who can endure it don’t give in, when they are ridiculed and attacked, individuals can become a movement that changes conditions for the better.

Example women’s suffrage

This topic needs an article of its own, and I’ll touch on it here only briefly—and in the context of the subject of this article: Those women who fought for the right to vote, not just for themselves, but also for subsequent generations, were different. Not only did they recognize the injustice, they got together and fought in a very “unfeminine” way to have the same rights as men. They didn’t conform to the expectations that tried to mold them into a fixed role (be nice, don’t make trouble, don’t be difficult, know your place, let men make important decisions, and take care of the house), but have followed their own paths. And this is the only way progress can occur in the first place! We must not adapt to unjust conditions, must not accept injustice, but must recognize it and demand and fight for rights. For ourselves, but also for others who may not be able to do it themselves. Even if we are insulted, treated with hostility, or threatened, because the freedoms and rights we enjoy today were won by those who came before us, and future generations will benefit from the freedoms and rights we fight for and obtain.

How do I know what I want?

Finding out what you really want is sometimes not that easy. It helps me to ask myself the following questions: What would I do if I were all alone on this planet? Everything would be like it is now, only the other people, and with them the social pressure, would suddenly be gone. Would I drink alcohol? No! Would I walk around in high heels? No! Would I stand in poisonous smoke? No! Would I wear fashionable but impractical clothes? No! Would I put on makeup? No! But also: Would I do yoga in the park? Yes! Would I go to the cinema alone or to other events that interest me? Obviously! (I would have to, wouldn’t I… 😉 ). Would I sing while walking? Definitely every now and then. Would I sometimes just scream out loud? Yeah! Of course, not all answers are suitable for being implemented in a world with other people, you have to make a distinction ;). It’s all about figuring out what you want for yourself, and then testing whether it’s feasible in the real world. I don’t want to curtail other people’s freedoms through my actions, but if it’s just about disappointing unrealistic expectations, self-inflicted irritation or lack of understanding, my needs are more important to me that other people´s opinion.

The second question I ask myself is: When I’m old and about to die and then look back on my life, will I regret doing this or not doing that? Will I be able to say “I’ve lived my life well!” or will I think “I’ve lived too much a life that wasn’t my own”? For example, I made a conscious decision to spend the first years with my children and not to give them to daycare at about 3 months old in order to go back to work (I live in the Netherlands, that’s possible here). I know it wasn’t a good decision for me financially. While my partner works and gets promoted and pays into his pension fund, I miss out on all that. And if we split up or he dies, I’d be in a bad financial position while he – if only we split up and he’s still alive – is financially fine. I know all this but I just think both options suck! Because the other option would have been to give my tiny babies to complete strangers, have to constantly pump milk, which would then be given to my child via the bottle, and only see them in the morning and evening. And although I think it’s great that the possibility exists, I didn’t want to take advantage of it because I just wanted to be with my children. My question “What would you think about your life if you had given up your children so early to be able to go to work?” I answered with “I would think that I was externally controlled, because giving my children to daycare would not be out of a desire, not out of necessity, but because of social pressure or financial considerations, and would have been at odds with my own need to be able to spend this precious time with them.” Had the context been different, e.g. if I could have shared breastfeeding with my husband, or we could have left the children with someone we trusted, or my job had provided childcare that would have allowed me to see my children during work, I would have done things differently.

Role models: Seeing something you like in someone else can also give you insights into what you want for yourself.

Core Beliefs: What are the things you believe in? Failure to follow which principles makes you feel bad? For me, justice, health and authenticity, for example, are key points that influence my thinking and my actions. And knowing that these are key points helps me (often, not always) to respond confidently and appropriately when they are threatened or violated in any way. For example, by intervening when someone is being bullied, distancing myself from people when they start smoking during a break, or not going to social events that I don’t enjoy.

Sighing inwardly: A large family reunion is being planned – sigh. Invitation cards have to be sent – sigh. The bill is to be paid equally by all those present and I only drank water– sigh . When you’re married, you wear a wedding ring – sigh. Come on, let’s go to the loud bar with lots of loud and often drunk people, where we can’t really talk anyway, but at least undertake something – sigh. The inner sigh shows me quite well when something is expected that I don’t want at all. And when I am trying to find a way out, it’s clear. So I don’t go to a family reunion of unknown relatives; I send invitations via email; I only pay for what I have consumed; get married without a ring; and meet up with friends at home and play board games.

How do I deal with negative reactions? How do I bear them?

In the following I will address a few points that will hopefully make it easier to classify negative reactions correctly and not to be put off by them. This includes, above all, understanding why people sometimes respond negatively. But since it is also possible that negative reactions are justified, the following questions can help to check your own actions and other people’s reactions.

Do I have good reasons for my actions?

Am I restricting someone’s freedom?

Would I resent someone for behaving the way I do?

Am I getting carried away by abstruse ideas and my fellow human beings only want to protect me from myself? (e.g. am I about to join a group that claims to have the truth and all they want is absolute devotion and all my money, and people I actually like urge me to please reconsider my decision?)

Example: My boyfriend at the time wanted to introduce me to his mother. She was a smoker. I explained that I would only meet her if she did not smoke for the duration of our meeting. Her answer was unequivocal: her house, her rules. So that was settled. My mother advocated going anyway. That surprised me quite a bit! Why should I sit in a room with someone who smokes? That sounded pretty idiotic. But let’s check my stance just to be sure. Do I have good reasons? Absolutely! Smoking, including passive smoking, is tremendously bad for your health. My health is very important to me, and I refuse to allow anyone to endanger it with their unreasonable behavior. Am I restricting someone’s freedom? No, because the person concerned had a choice and they chose smoking over seeing me. Would I resent another person for not meeting with me because I’m putting their health at risk? Absolutely not! Am I getting bogged down in absurd ideas? No, the harmful effects of passive smoking have been scientifically proven. Clearly, my attitude was reasonable and didn’t cause any harm to anybody. Any pressure to go to that meeting despite my reservations was only due to the code of conduct which urges us not to be difficult. But my health always wins against “not to be difficult”. A few months later, in summer, we did meet up after all. We sat in the garden. She could smoke and I sat strategically so that the smoke blew in the opposite direction. Lo and behold, I was the first girlfriend that she actually liked.

It is also important to know that negative reactions often say more about the other person than about yourself. Why does it bother someone else if I don’t drink alcohol? It shouldn’t matter to them! Maybe it bothers them that there is someone who stays sober and sees how they behave after they’ve been drinking. And they might fear that what I see might not be too flattering. Maybe they are afraid of my judgement. If I got heavily drunk as well, there would be no one to judge. So their only problem with my abstinence is in fact that they can’t own their own behavior. Is that my problem or theirs? Exactly, it’s theirs which they are trying to make my problem. How many times did people, who then spoke out critically about my not-drinking, tell me later that they admired me for it, but couldn’t admit that for a long time. A negative attitude does not per se indicate whether one’s own actions are wrong. Sometimes really other people are wrong.

In general, it also helps me that I have a rather low opinion of the majority society (to which I myself often belong, of course). It often seems to me that their/our actions are determined primarily by habit and self-interest, and not by well-considered reasons. In addition, we are unwilling, or incredibly sluggish, to transform new knowledge and insights into goal-oriented adjustments. When changes cause difficulties, or limit one’s own luxuries, many do not want to know about them. Moreover, they tend to mock those who are willing to adjust and call them crazy. Therefore, you can’t always rely on the opinion of the majority of society. I don’t consider the opinion of others to be utterly unimportant, of course, because I need others to give me good feedback and to point out real mistakes on my side, but the opinion of others is not automatically more important than my own opinion! And if I have well-founded reasons to act as I do and someone reacts negatively, then I don’t automatically doubt myself, but first of all I doubt the other person, and the other person has to come up with good arguments to convince me of the falsity of my position. If only mockery or incomprehension is expressed, it only tells me something about the uneasiness that the other person may feel, but nothing about the validity of my point of view.

Sometimes you fear offending and losing the favor of others by being different. But often it is being different that sets you apart positively. I like people who are different because they show that they stand up for what they think is right. They are often more reliable than those who behave like flags in the wind and only do what others do, or only tell me what I want to hear, instead of what they really think. When things get serious, I’d rather have someone by my side who’s a bit different than someone who listens too much to the opinions of others and keels over when faced with some headwind.

Temporarily my “being different” almost became a sport. I simply answered “no” to every possible request. First saying no and then yes is usually easier than the other way around. If you can say “no”, of course … But once you start doing it, you realize that it gets easier and easier the more you do it. People get used to it, and so do you. (Once your reputation is ruined, you can live quite free and easy… 😉 ). Soon, stepping out of line doesn’t feel like a big deal and instead feels pretty normal. Each time you’re confirmed in the knowledge that i) it feels good to act authentically ii) most of the time the reactions aren’t dramatic iii) you can take headwinds, and each time a little bit more. Of course, it’s not about being different by hook or by crook. I am “adapted” in many, many ways and correspond to the norm. That is not the problem. It is simply important to deviate when the norm does not fit, and to meet deviations of others with interest rather than rejection.

A quick thought on the subject of “disappointment”. Disappointments can also be seen positively. In German we call disappointment “Enttäuschung”, and that word actually means that you are disenchanted. That is, sometimes we are taken in by a deception and by being dis-enchanted we get closer to the truth. That’s progress! For example, you might disappoint your parents, your best friend, your colleague, etc. But what exactly happens then? You are actually showing them that they have a false image of you. They thought you would do this or that, or be this or that, and now you’re showing them that they had a wrong image about who you really are. At last they are dis-enchanted. If they get it now, they can stop being offended and instead start to see the real you.

I have already mentioned earlier that very often deviating is only made into a problem by others. Faced with alternative behavior or thinking, people often start to question their own ways, and that is not always pleasant. They may also feel rejected or indirectly criticized. They may also just not understand something, for example, if they do not know it from their own experience. They may worry or feel threatened if something is new and therefore possibly unpredictable. Sometimes it helps to explain to the other person that one’s own behavior should not be understood as a rejection of them, but simply as an expression of one’s own needs, which need to be respected. Sometimes it helps to talk. Sometimes it does not. Just keep in mind that you may not be the problem at all, but the other person. Also, and I think everyone can probably take a good look at themselves, that sometimes we create a problem for others that wouldn’t exist if we accepted others the way they are instead of urging them to be the way we would like them to be. Once we start accepting and respecting others and not punishing them, we may find ourselves accepted and respected more often and punished less. I think we should ask ourselves more often, “Is this really a problem, or is it being made into a problem?”, because if there isn’t an actual problem, we can stop fussing about it and invest that energy into useful purposes. And we can all be much less upset about each other.

What do I take with me for the education of my children?

What kind of mother would I be if I didn’t let my knowledge and insights flow into the upbringing of my children? 😉 My children are allowed to be different, to do things differently and to go their own way. Sometimes their behavior is not in line with the image I have of them, and it demonstrates again that the picture in my head is a fantasy, and my children shouldn’t conform to that idea, but I should instead adjust my mental picture according to who they really are. I need to understand who they are, what they like, what drives them, who they want to be, etc. My task is not to mold them into the person I want them to be, but instead to give them the space to freely unfold. I don’t shape their personality, I’m allowed to discover it. This includes taking them seriously and respecting their opinions, and not ignoring them just because they are kids. Children need to learn that it is okay to say no, and that a no has to be respected, by others and by themselves. How else are they supposed to learn to take their needs seriously? How can they learn to stand their ground and not be pressured into doing things they do not want to do, when we teach them that their needs and wishes don’t count?

When my oldest brother was a small boy, my grandmother ignored his “no” and kept hugging him. Eventually he slapped her. My grandmother demanded that he apologized to her, but my parents did the only right thing: They explained that my brother told her “no” and because she ignored that, he had to defend himself. Next time she better listens. BAM! 😀 That’s exactly what I mean: We need to show our children from the very beginning that they don’t have to please, that they don’t have to be overly adapted and good as gold. We need to teach them that their own needs are important. Not more important than anyone else’s, but just as important. And if someone ignores their “no”, they can – they should – defend themselves, even if that means slapping grandmother or being “difficult”. Luckily, as adults, we usually have other options than punching and kicking though ;). When my children don’t want to be cuddled or tickled, I let them go immediately and patiently wait for them to come up to cuddle or to be tickled. But I also tell them that when I’m eating I don’t want to have a child on my lap and that they need to respect my “no” just as well.

Should my children not comply with the gender role other people may want them to fulfill, then I will try to back them up. I want them to chose whatever they are interested in and enjoy, no matter whether those things are currently considered “girl things” or “boy things”. I will also try to correctly classify the possible negative reactions together with them: as narrow-mindedness of other people. The opinions of those people, who make disparaging remarks, need to be challenged. And maybe, by offering another perspective, they might reconsider their point of view. Opinions can change. After all, we are all “victims” of our upbringing. I have been able to adjust many ideas and opinions myself only after others have taken the time to point out mistakes and to make me understand their perspective better. A negative attitude does not always mean that the person is unable to change their mind. Sometimes they just have not yet properly engaged with a topic, or they lack important information.

There are those humans who love hustle and bustle and lots of people around them, and those who want to be alone a lot. I see that with children too: some run enthusiastically towards every new thing, others quietly observe and walk towards it somewhat later. You don’t need to judge that. And you don’t have to force your children to be one way or the other. Instead, just let them be themselves and help them figure out what’s good for them and how much stimulation they need. If my children behave “differently” than other children, I will make an extra effort not to make them feel that they are wrong and that they need to change to conform to the majority. If you don’t fit into a system, it can also be that the system is just not good 😉 For example autism. Only after there was a label, a diagnosis, could people with autism be better understood and accepted. Of course, diagnoses sometimes have real advantages, because then you may have a better understanding of how you can help a person find their way around. Sometimes diagnoses are absolutely important! The problem I see, however, is that you often need a diagnosis before being different is accepted. I think instead of having to say “I can’t help it, I have xyz”, or “I am xyz.” , “I’m like this and I need that” should be enough, independent from a diagnosis. How often do we google something and realize with relief that what we are experiencing even has a name and (many) other people feel the same way. It helps to give “it” a name, but it should not only become “legitimate” when there is an official label. One should not have to feel that one is wrong for feeling the way they feel until there is a diagnosis that justifies or explains it. So if my children should deviate in any way without there being a term for it and it doesn’t limit their lives (otherwise you would have to act), and it is just different, I hope I can give them the reassurance that they are fine the way they are.

On a final note

We live in an unjust world and there is much to be done. It’s not possible for one person to save the whole world, but if everyone contributes a bit, we can make progress. And that “bit” sometimes requires to be difficult. Not only to pursue personal interests, but also to pave the way for those who cannot (yet) do it themselves, or who do not (yet) dare. Sometimes the opposition is just slight mockery or incomprehension, sometimes the reactions are serious and even life-threatening. I thought about whether I should only write about the small, personal issues (e.g. no alcohol, clothes) or only about the big ones (e.g. homosexuality), because putting the two together seemed strange to me. Homosexuals, especially the first to come out, were often exposed to massive violence. Just being annoyed when people try to get me to drink alcohol seems completely irrelevant in comparison. But it was relatively easy for me because others paved the way for me. And many homosexual people today can have an almost normal everyday life because others have done the groundwork before them. But because they too openly show who they are today, even if it may not always be perceived as an effort, they in turn pave the way for others who find it difficult to show that they are different from the “norm”.

We have much more in common than what separates us. But the differences can and should be shown. Because when different is perceived as exciting and not dangerous, we can stop hiding, or feeling ashamed, or pretending that we are someone that we are not. I think everyone has something they don’t want to show publicly, that they might only dare to talk about with their closest friends, if at all. I think that’s really sad. I’m convinced that the vast majority of what we assume only affects us, probably happens to a great many, and we’re all trying to maintain an image which doesn’t capture who we really are, just for the sake of not to being perceived as strange or wrong. If you find that your path deviates from the majority’s path, even if it’s just a small deviation but which is important to you, then yes, I hope you to take that path and see where it leads.

Yours,

RE

(German title almost rhymes 😉 )

There is this idea of ​​dividing the female cycle into four phases, which are then elegantly illustrated by the “four inner seasons”.

If you look at the hormonal fluctuations on a graph, e.g. on Wikipedia (keyword: menstrual cycle), and one reads that estradiol (an estrogen) level varies by 200% and progesterone even by 1200% within a cycle , then it’s really no wonder that you can feel very different as the cycle progresses. Before I came across the “inner seasons”, I had already noticed that I sometimes find myself particularly beautiful and that sometimes I am very irritable before my period begins, but that there is also “spring”, a phase in which you are bursting with energy , I hadn’t noticed. So I took the trouble to create a menstrual calendar (it’s also available as an app, but I didn’t want to share my data with somebody, so I just put it all on paper). I not only wrote down when I was bleeding, but also added other symbols: a muscle arm when I was feeling particularly energetic, a heart when I was feeling sexy, a smiling face when I liked people, and a lightning bolt when I was very irritable . And indeed, a pattern arose. The characteristics of these phases also seem to agree, at least in large part, with those of other women. The female cycle is much more than just the monthly bleeding. Within a month, every month, we experience, figuratively speaking, the ups and downs of a whole year! 😉

The four inner seasons

The inner winter: rest and regeneration

Period: The days of menstruation

Marked by: Discomfort, pain, but also mental balance

Time for: relaxation, self-care, taking it easy.

Caution: Don’t think you’re lazy just because you’re taking the rest you need.

The inner spring: new beginnings

Period: The first days after menstruation

Marked by: I can do anything!-mentality, lots of energy and optimism

Time for: doing things that require more energy; trying something new.

Be careful: you can overload yourself.

The Inner Summer: Climax

Period: The days around ovulation, mid-cycle

Marked by: Let’s all be friends!-mentality, and “Woah, do I look good!”

Time for: socializing, activities, sex

Caution: the giving mood may tempt you to be more generous than is good for you

The inner autumn: cocooning

Period: After ovulation until the onset of menstruation

Marked by: The whole world is stupid!-mentality, “everyone leave me alone”, increased appetite

Time for: chocolate and distraction, preferably alone.

Caution: Other people are probably not that stupid, don’t judge too quickly.

Go with the flow: use the seasons to your advantage

Of course, not only hormones have an impact on how we feel and how much energy is available to us. Quality and quantity of sleep (parents know what I’m talking about), diet, exercise, illnesses, events, etc. also play a role. And you can also be in a bad mood in spring, feel great in autumn, or feel particularly beautiful in winter. But the probability of one or the other may be higher or lower depending on the inner season. Then the knowledge that not only menstruation repeats itself every month, but also other phases that are influenced by the ups and downs of hormones, is not just interesting, but can also be useful. Because then we can work with our moods, needs and strengths instead of fighting against them. For example:

1. If there are things that I like to put off, then I try to get them done in the first week after my menstruation, because in spring it is particularly easy for me to make decisions and get things done. During this time I can do everything anyway 😀

2. I maintain social contacts particularly well in “summer”, because then I feel especially comfortable in social contexts and enjoy being with other people much more than usual. It hardly costs me any energy and gives me a lot of energy back instead. In summer I mutate into an extrovert 😀

3. When I notice that I’m easily irritated and I see everything a little more negatively than usual (to put it mildly), then I avoid social interactions as much as possible. They cost me a lot of energy during this phase and I can use this time better by doing things that give me energy back. For example writing. And I distract myself when I find that negative thought spirals or sad memories drag me down, instead of pursuing them. I know this phase will pass and I just have to make sure I make it as comfortable as possible. Including feasting, of course.

4. Especially on the first days of my menstruation, I usually feel uncomfortable and lack energy. I accept that and don’t desperately try to maintain the energy level of the other weeks. I take it easy and put off things that aren’t essential until spring. Instead, I make myself comfortable and put my feet up (as much as I can).

Timing matters

I recently went climbing with my husband in a climbing forest. While I really enjoyed it the times before, I couldn’t enjoy it at all then. My thoughts went something like “How secure is the equipment? What happens if I do something wrong and fall down? What is so great about climbing around so high up anyway? Why are we doing this to ourselves? Does everyone else really like it, or are we all pretending to enjoy it?” I wondered why I was so negative now when I used to enjoy it so much before. It occurred to me that I was about to have my period and then I knew that today was simply the wrong day for adventure and being around people. What I wanted was to be alone with a good book and something to eat. I didn’t want to be attached to a cable car. I dropped it and made a mental note to schedule these “adventures” on my inner spring or summer, if possible, to get the most fun out of it. And I knew that I didn’t have to draw any general conclusions like “climbing is not for me”, but understood that my current phase required different things.

Not every woman will notice these phases in herself. Those who take the pill do not have these hormone fluctuations and are “only” influenced by other everyday factors (and the hormones of the pill of course). And others generally don’t notice the fluctuations so much. But for those who do perceive them, it can certainly be interesting and useful to know that there are fluctuations and therefore phases in which needs and strengths change. They can take them into account and use them accordingly. Fortunately, we are not helplessly at the mercy of our hormones, and women can get things done and think rationally despite a lack of drive or a bad mood. But we can sometimes make our lives easier if we plan activities, appointments, meetings, rest breaks, etc. according to our cycle and not think that we have to be energetic, friendly, and sexy every day of the month, and we should schedule time for ourselves to recharge.

Snowdrop or Sunflower?

I look forward to a time when women/people who menstruate will greet each other and say:

“And? What season are you in?”

-“Autumn!”

“OK! Let’s postpone going out. Shall we snuggle up on the couch and eat some cake?”

-“That’s exactly what I need right now!”

Or:

“I’m in spring!”

-“Great, let’s try something new!”

“Yeah!”

Maybe you’re now intrigued to find out what your spring, summer, fall and winter look like; to learn what you like and need in these phases; to distance yourself from other things; and to just work with the fluctuations instead of against them. And if you are a man, give the menstruating women/people in your life the space to do just that.

Yours,

RE,

who is in autumn right now, had to pull herself together all day, is finally alone and is now taking a deep breath. I´m almost looking forward to winter… 😉