As social animals that we are, it’s understandable that we want to be accepted by others and that we don’t want to attract negative attention. That usually requires that we’re not too different. Depending on the social group, the pressure to conform can be light or intense, and disregard may even result in exclusion from that group. Being different, or doing things differently, virtually always involves effort: you are often asked (even urged) to explain and justify yourself; you often have to endure criticism, scorn and rejection; and the acquisition and implementation of new knowledge requires time and energy. Still, I see three good reasons to deviate from the norm or expectations of others every now and then that are worth the effort:
1. Being more authentic and therefore happier
We are regularly confronted with the expectations of others that do not match our own needs. In such cases we must make a choice: either conform to the expectations of others, or to what we ourselves want or need. Past experiences have consistently made it clear to me that there is great satisfaction in following your own path instead of meeting expectations that are not in line with who you are. I strongly believe that we can lead much happier lives when we dare to be authentic.
Example dress code
I could give tons of examples here, but I’ll limit myself to two examples that should sufficiently illustrate the main idea:
1) I wore white summer pants and a simple black top to my graduation ball. That didn’t go down well with everybody. Some classmates assumed that I was only doing it for the sake of doing things differently. That wasn’t the case. Putting on a fine dress, having the hair done by a hairdresser and putting on a lot of make-up might have been my classmates’ dream, but it definitely wasn’t mine. Yet I still wanted to go to that ball and I did not think that someone else´s opinion on how a graduation ball attendee should look like should be more important than my own opinion.
2) At some point I ordered barefoot toe shoes. How delighted I was to find that they existed! My then-flatmate asked me “You don’t really want to wear them in public, do you?” Of course I wanted to! That´s what they are for. At first it was strange though. For one because my feet had to get used to the shoes. And of course, most people around me were not yet accustomed to this type of shoes. I received many looks and comments, but also many questions of interest. That is, of course, very natural. I am also curious when I see something new, and looks or stares don´t automatically signal a negative attitude. But of course, the shoes were also often ridiculed. However, I realized that I really enjoyed walking in the shoes and didn’t want to go back to the old ones. If I had folded, I would have submitted to a dress code that didn’t do me any good, just because someone thought I should wear different shoes, even though my choice of shoes did not have any negative consequences at all for the other person. At some point everyone got used to the shoes and they were no longer an issue. Better still, at some point there were three of us walking down the hall in barefoot shoes…
Example I can’t make it today
If you have an appointment but actually prefer to do something else, or you just don’t feel like meeting up at the moment, you have a problem. Either you go to the meeting and somehow make the best of it, or you cancel. If you cancel however, especially at short notice, it is usually polite to explain yourself. Then you walk a fine line between potentially hurtful truth and a white lie when you try to give a good reason. Reasons such as “I just don’t feel like it” or “That’s actually none of your business” or “I don’t want to explain it now”, or “I don’t know actually” are usually not regarded as acceptable reasons. Sometimes it is easier in the short term to just go to the meeting, even if that means that you are not authentic. My sister solved this problem in an annoyingly elegant way: She cancels without giving any reason, and not even apologizing for it. I have to admit that it was very irritating in the beginning. After all, I had been looking forward to seeing her, and the last-minute cancellations without any explanation made me feel as if I wasn’t important enough to her – at first. We’re so used to another person explaining what came up that we feel entitled to an explanation. From an explanation you can usually extract whether something really came up, or whether it is perhaps something personal, i.e. the person might not really like you and doesn’t know how to tell you that. If such cancellations happen more often, you understand the underlying reason eventually and make no further attempts to keep in touch. But since I noticed over and over again that my sister made (big) efforts to stay in touch and showed genuine interest, thereby showing that I was indeed very important to her, it couldn’t be that. And eventually I cheered at her unapologetic cancellations. I had to rethink. Once I’ve managed to do that that, accepting a no-explanation-cancellation became easy. I know she has her reasons for doing this. I don’t fully understand them, but that’s not important. She’s doing it this way, and I can either get angry about it or just accept that she’s doing what’s right for her. After all, I don’t want her to meet me just because she feels obligated to do so. I want to meet her when it’s convenient for both of us, when we’re both up for it, and not because the meeting is planned and you cannot cancel it. When a meeting doesn’t go through, there are plenty of other things I can do. These days I no longer schedule meetings with my sister, but we hit each other up at short notice when we have time. If it works out, great, if not, then we try again later. My point is: doing things differently doesn’t have to be a problem if the other side (in this case that’s me) shows some willingness to adapt and understanding instead of holding on to a code of conduct that doesn’t work for one or the other. If something comes up on my side, or I don’t feel like meeting up anymore and I would rather do something else, a short “Can’t do it today” is sufficient and I learned to appreciate the easiness and authenticity of it. I don’t need to worry about hurt feelings or hurt egos. If I don’t have to explain why I cancel, I also don’t have to walk the thin line between telling the real, potential hurtful reason and lying, or having to invent a good reason, when in fact I just don’t know why I’d rather not meet up. Meetings that do take place are all the nicer because we know that we’re both really in the mood. The reason “I just don’t want to right now” should be accepted and respected as a good reason. Often enough it’s difficult to figure out what’s good for ourselves and what we need, but once that’s clear, people should be encouraged to take their needs seriously, instead of forcing them to ignore their them by instilling feelings of guilt or by threatening to be angry. If we all did more of that, I’m sure we would all lead happier lives overall. In order to prevent misunderstandings you may want to clarify to the people you care about that you no longer adhere to the regular cancellation policy, which is however not a sign of rejection or antipathy😉
2. Paving the way for others
If we do things differently, for example because it is more in line with our nature, we not only make life easier/nicer for ourselves in the long term, we also make it easier for others to deviate from the norm. I had good role models in my childhood and adolescence, who showed me alternatives and at the same time demonstrated that deviating has no dramatic, negative consequences (mostly anyway). The fact that these role models existed inspired me to keep asking myself the questions “Do I actually want that?” and “What do I want?” And if necessary to say “No” and not to be swayed by pressure or negative reactions. Having role models is important, because “Seeing is believing!” When you see that others are doing it, then it’s not that big of a hurdle anymore to try it yourself. And if you yourself deviate from the norm when it makes sense and is right for you, then you can become a role model for somebody else.
Example alcohol
My mother never drank alcohol. Anyone who doesn’t drink or abstains from alcohol in a group setting from time to time will know that it is not always accepted as easily as it should be. Since my mother never drank, drinking alcohol was an option, not a must, and so was not-drinking. I knew I had a choice, and I chose not to drink. I was regularly asked about the underlying reasons I didn’t drink alcohol. For example, I was asked if I was a sober alcoholic, if my religion forbade it, whether I was pregnant, etc. Indirectly, these questions always implied “Something is wrong with you.” There were also always some strangers (they were never friends) who couldn’t cope with the fact that there was someone in the group who stayed sober and they tried to convince me to give it a try either by coaxing me, but also by being annoyed and being annoying. Every attempt to persuade or to urge me, however, was in vain and eventually they gave up (sometimes in a very bad mood). Compared to what my mother experienced in her youth, living in a village where alcohol flowed plentiful and regularly, my experiences were relatively benign. I’ve often felt that by fighting her battles, my mother made it easier for me – a generation later – to fight mine, because I think abstaining from alcohol is now more accepted as “normal”, than it was in her youth. But for that “new normal” it needed people like my mother who behaved differently from the masses and endured the negative responses other people felt the need to hand out. Knowing that my mother had not been swayed encouraged me not to give in to any pressure myself.
Example homosexuality
The fact that today same-sex couples can show their relationship publicly in quite a few – but by no means all – countries, without having to expect constant hostility and violence (although unfortunately this still happens far too often) is thanks to those people who have publicly shown that they are “different from the majority of society” in the past and endured the negative reactions instead of hiding or denying their being different. The people who “come out” today also help to make being different more normal and to come closer to acceptance and equality. I hope that at some point coming out won’t be necessary because it really won’t matter if you’re straight-bi-gay-a-etc-but right now it’s important to show the majority that deviations from the norm are okay, not a disease, and certainly not dangerous, and only become a problem when others make them a problem. And it is important to demonstrate to those people who are different that they are not alone. Especially to people living in countries where homosexuality is taboo and where it is associated with shame and fear. For example via social media they can find role models and acceptance and the feeling of belonging.
3. Ignite progress
If we all just always did what everyone else was doing, we would all tread water and not make any progress. But there is so much room for improvement, in all sorts of areas, that we can’t afford not to look for alternatives. Not every alternative is better, but sometimes it takes a trial-and-error approach to ultimately make progress for the better. It takes people who oppose the status-quo and question patterns of thought and behavior. This creates more space for new and different options that may in turn suit many more people much better, and that also better correspond with the zeitgeist.
Example veganism
Not the fact that I eat something, but the fact that I don’t eat some things has led to quite a few discussions. I have been actively involved in some conflicts by going on a collision course, but here I only discuss those where just being different was made a problem. I was portrayed as naïve “just because you stop eating meat now doesn’t save the world”. The suffering of other living beings was presented as unimportant “take care of the really important problems first” (as if problems had to be solved in series instead of in parallel). It was again insinuated that I wanted to make myself important by saying “You’re only doing that to be different.” They tried to provoke “Look, I’m eating a looooot of meat now!” I was portrayed as a hippie. It was pointed out how unhealthy all this vegan stuff was (meat is known to be very healthy of course…). Again and again attempts were made to show that I was wrong and that I shouldn’t be so radical. The word radical was often used as if I was a heavily armed resistance fighter who fought with the utmost vigor and ruthlessness, and not just a person who stopped eating some part of what they used to eat. Some time in the past some people started to question the husbandry and exploitation of animals and drew the necessary conclusions – they stopped using animal products. When I started, at the end of 2010, I was already able to draw on knowledge that others had discovered and shared, and which made the transition immensely easier for me. The product offer for vegans has increased immensely in the years since then and veganism is no longer seen as hype, but taken more seriously. In the meantime, I’ve noticed that I don’t have to explain myself anymore, but that non-vegans are starting to justify themselves. It always starts with individuals looking critically at the current situation and finding ways to make things better, to make the world a fairer place for everyone, especially those who cannot help themselves and who are at their mercy. And if those who can endure it don’t give in, when they are ridiculed and attacked, individuals can become a movement that changes conditions for the better.
Example women’s suffrage
This topic needs an article of its own, and I’ll touch on it here only briefly—and in the context of the subject of this article: Those women who fought for the right to vote, not just for themselves, but also for subsequent generations, were different. Not only did they recognize the injustice, they got together and fought in a very “unfeminine” way to have the same rights as men. They didn’t conform to the expectations that tried to mold them into a fixed role (be nice, don’t make trouble, don’t be difficult, know your place, let men make important decisions, and take care of the house), but have followed their own paths. And this is the only way progress can occur in the first place! We must not adapt to unjust conditions, must not accept injustice, but must recognize it and demand and fight for rights. For ourselves, but also for others who may not be able to do it themselves. Even if we are insulted, treated with hostility, or threatened, because the freedoms and rights we enjoy today were won by those who came before us, and future generations will benefit from the freedoms and rights we fight for and obtain.
How do I know what I want?
Finding out what you really want is sometimes not that easy. It helps me to ask myself the following questions: What would I do if I were all alone on this planet? Everything would be like it is now, only the other people, and with them the social pressure, would suddenly be gone. Would I drink alcohol? No! Would I walk around in high heels? No! Would I stand in poisonous smoke? No! Would I wear fashionable but impractical clothes? No! Would I put on makeup? No! But also: Would I do yoga in the park? Yes! Would I go to the cinema alone or to other events that interest me? Obviously! (I would have to, wouldn’t I… 😉 ). Would I sing while walking? Definitely every now and then. Would I sometimes just scream out loud? Yeah! Of course, not all answers are suitable for being implemented in a world with other people, you have to make a distinction ;). It’s all about figuring out what you want for yourself, and then testing whether it’s feasible in the real world. I don’t want to curtail other people’s freedoms through my actions, but if it’s just about disappointing unrealistic expectations, self-inflicted irritation or lack of understanding, my needs are more important to me that other people´s opinion.
The second question I ask myself is: When I’m old and about to die and then look back on my life, will I regret doing this or not doing that? Will I be able to say “I’ve lived my life well!” or will I think “I’ve lived too much a life that wasn’t my own”? For example, I made a conscious decision to spend the first years with my children and not to give them to daycare at about 3 months old in order to go back to work (I live in the Netherlands, that’s possible here). I know it wasn’t a good decision for me financially. While my partner works and gets promoted and pays into his pension fund, I miss out on all that. And if we split up or he dies, I’d be in a bad financial position while he – if only we split up and he’s still alive – is financially fine. I know all this but I just think both options suck! Because the other option would have been to give my tiny babies to complete strangers, have to constantly pump milk, which would then be given to my child via the bottle, and only see them in the morning and evening. And although I think it’s great that the possibility exists, I didn’t want to take advantage of it because I just wanted to be with my children. My question “What would you think about your life if you had given up your children so early to be able to go to work?” I answered with “I would think that I was externally controlled, because giving my children to daycare would not be out of a desire, not out of necessity, but because of social pressure or financial considerations, and would have been at odds with my own need to be able to spend this precious time with them.” Had the context been different, e.g. if I could have shared breastfeeding with my husband, or we could have left the children with someone we trusted, or my job had provided childcare that would have allowed me to see my children during work, I would have done things differently.
Role models: Seeing something you like in someone else can also give you insights into what you want for yourself.
Core Beliefs: What are the things you believe in? Failure to follow which principles makes you feel bad? For me, justice, health and authenticity, for example, are key points that influence my thinking and my actions. And knowing that these are key points helps me (often, not always) to respond confidently and appropriately when they are threatened or violated in any way. For example, by intervening when someone is being bullied, distancing myself from people when they start smoking during a break, or not going to social events that I don’t enjoy.
Sighing inwardly: A large family reunion is being planned – sigh. Invitation cards have to be sent – sigh. The bill is to be paid equally by all those present and I only drank water– sigh . When you’re married, you wear a wedding ring – sigh. Come on, let’s go to the loud bar with lots of loud and often drunk people, where we can’t really talk anyway, but at least undertake something – sigh. The inner sigh shows me quite well when something is expected that I don’t want at all. And when I am trying to find a way out, it’s clear. So I don’t go to a family reunion of unknown relatives; I send invitations via email; I only pay for what I have consumed; get married without a ring; and meet up with friends at home and play board games.
How do I deal with negative reactions? How do I bear them?
In the following I will address a few points that will hopefully make it easier to classify negative reactions correctly and not to be put off by them. This includes, above all, understanding why people sometimes respond negatively. But since it is also possible that negative reactions are justified, the following questions can help to check your own actions and other people’s reactions.
Do I have good reasons for my actions?
Am I restricting someone’s freedom?
Would I resent someone for behaving the way I do?
Am I getting carried away by abstruse ideas and my fellow human beings only want to protect me from myself? (e.g. am I about to join a group that claims to have the truth and all they want is absolute devotion and all my money, and people I actually like urge me to please reconsider my decision?)
Example: My boyfriend at the time wanted to introduce me to his mother. She was a smoker. I explained that I would only meet her if she did not smoke for the duration of our meeting. Her answer was unequivocal: her house, her rules. So that was settled. My mother advocated going anyway. That surprised me quite a bit! Why should I sit in a room with someone who smokes? That sounded pretty idiotic. But let’s check my stance just to be sure. Do I have good reasons? Absolutely! Smoking, including passive smoking, is tremendously bad for your health. My health is very important to me, and I refuse to allow anyone to endanger it with their unreasonable behavior. Am I restricting someone’s freedom? No, because the person concerned had a choice and they chose smoking over seeing me. Would I resent another person for not meeting with me because I’m putting their health at risk? Absolutely not! Am I getting bogged down in absurd ideas? No, the harmful effects of passive smoking have been scientifically proven. Clearly, my attitude was reasonable and didn’t cause any harm to anybody. Any pressure to go to that meeting despite my reservations was only due to the code of conduct which urges us not to be difficult. But my health always wins against “not to be difficult”. A few months later, in summer, we did meet up after all. We sat in the garden. She could smoke and I sat strategically so that the smoke blew in the opposite direction. Lo and behold, I was the first girlfriend that she actually liked.
It is also important to know that negative reactions often say more about the other person than about yourself. Why does it bother someone else if I don’t drink alcohol? It shouldn’t matter to them! Maybe it bothers them that there is someone who stays sober and sees how they behave after they’ve been drinking. And they might fear that what I see might not be too flattering. Maybe they are afraid of my judgement. If I got heavily drunk as well, there would be no one to judge. So their only problem with my abstinence is in fact that they can’t own their own behavior. Is that my problem or theirs? Exactly, it’s theirs which they are trying to make my problem. How many times did people, who then spoke out critically about my not-drinking, tell me later that they admired me for it, but couldn’t admit that for a long time. A negative attitude does not per se indicate whether one’s own actions are wrong. Sometimes really other people are wrong.
In general, it also helps me that I have a rather low opinion of the majority society (to which I myself often belong, of course). It often seems to me that their/our actions are determined primarily by habit and self-interest, and not by well-considered reasons. In addition, we are unwilling, or incredibly sluggish, to transform new knowledge and insights into goal-oriented adjustments. When changes cause difficulties, or limit one’s own luxuries, many do not want to know about them. Moreover, they tend to mock those who are willing to adjust and call them crazy. Therefore, you can’t always rely on the opinion of the majority of society. I don’t consider the opinion of others to be utterly unimportant, of course, because I need others to give me good feedback and to point out real mistakes on my side, but the opinion of others is not automatically more important than my own opinion! And if I have well-founded reasons to act as I do and someone reacts negatively, then I don’t automatically doubt myself, but first of all I doubt the other person, and the other person has to come up with good arguments to convince me of the falsity of my position. If only mockery or incomprehension is expressed, it only tells me something about the uneasiness that the other person may feel, but nothing about the validity of my point of view.
Sometimes you fear offending and losing the favor of others by being different. But often it is being different that sets you apart positively. I like people who are different because they show that they stand up for what they think is right. They are often more reliable than those who behave like flags in the wind and only do what others do, or only tell me what I want to hear, instead of what they really think. When things get serious, I’d rather have someone by my side who’s a bit different than someone who listens too much to the opinions of others and keels over when faced with some headwind.
Temporarily my “being different” almost became a sport. I simply answered “no” to every possible request. First saying no and then yes is usually easier than the other way around. If you can say “no”, of course … But once you start doing it, you realize that it gets easier and easier the more you do it. People get used to it, and so do you. (Once your reputation is ruined, you can live quite free and easy… 😉 ). Soon, stepping out of line doesn’t feel like a big deal and instead feels pretty normal. Each time you’re confirmed in the knowledge that i) it feels good to act authentically ii) most of the time the reactions aren’t dramatic iii) you can take headwinds, and each time a little bit more. Of course, it’s not about being different by hook or by crook. I am “adapted” in many, many ways and correspond to the norm. That is not the problem. It is simply important to deviate when the norm does not fit, and to meet deviations of others with interest rather than rejection.
A quick thought on the subject of “disappointment”. Disappointments can also be seen positively. In German we call disappointment “Enttäuschung”, and that word actually means that you are disenchanted. That is, sometimes we are taken in by a deception and by being dis-enchanted we get closer to the truth. That’s progress! For example, you might disappoint your parents, your best friend, your colleague, etc. But what exactly happens then? You are actually showing them that they have a false image of you. They thought you would do this or that, or be this or that, and now you’re showing them that they had a wrong image about who you really are. At last they are dis-enchanted. If they get it now, they can stop being offended and instead start to see the real you.
I have already mentioned earlier that very often deviating is only made into a problem by others. Faced with alternative behavior or thinking, people often start to question their own ways, and that is not always pleasant. They may also feel rejected or indirectly criticized. They may also just not understand something, for example, if they do not know it from their own experience. They may worry or feel threatened if something is new and therefore possibly unpredictable. Sometimes it helps to explain to the other person that one’s own behavior should not be understood as a rejection of them, but simply as an expression of one’s own needs, which need to be respected. Sometimes it helps to talk. Sometimes it does not. Just keep in mind that you may not be the problem at all, but the other person. Also, and I think everyone can probably take a good look at themselves, that sometimes we create a problem for others that wouldn’t exist if we accepted others the way they are instead of urging them to be the way we would like them to be. Once we start accepting and respecting others and not punishing them, we may find ourselves accepted and respected more often and punished less. I think we should ask ourselves more often, “Is this really a problem, or is it being made into a problem?”, because if there isn’t an actual problem, we can stop fussing about it and invest that energy into useful purposes. And we can all be much less upset about each other.
What do I take with me for the education of my children?
What kind of mother would I be if I didn’t let my knowledge and insights flow into the upbringing of my children? 😉 My children are allowed to be different, to do things differently and to go their own way. Sometimes their behavior is not in line with the image I have of them, and it demonstrates again that the picture in my head is a fantasy, and my children shouldn’t conform to that idea, but I should instead adjust my mental picture according to who they really are. I need to understand who they are, what they like, what drives them, who they want to be, etc. My task is not to mold them into the person I want them to be, but instead to give them the space to freely unfold. I don’t shape their personality, I’m allowed to discover it. This includes taking them seriously and respecting their opinions, and not ignoring them just because they are kids. Children need to learn that it is okay to say no, and that a no has to be respected, by others and by themselves. How else are they supposed to learn to take their needs seriously? How can they learn to stand their ground and not be pressured into doing things they do not want to do, when we teach them that their needs and wishes don’t count?
When my oldest brother was a small boy, my grandmother ignored his “no” and kept hugging him. Eventually he slapped her. My grandmother demanded that he apologized to her, but my parents did the only right thing: They explained that my brother told her “no” and because she ignored that, he had to defend himself. Next time she better listens. BAM! 😀 That’s exactly what I mean: We need to show our children from the very beginning that they don’t have to please, that they don’t have to be overly adapted and good as gold. We need to teach them that their own needs are important. Not more important than anyone else’s, but just as important. And if someone ignores their “no”, they can – they should – defend themselves, even if that means slapping grandmother or being “difficult”. Luckily, as adults, we usually have other options than punching and kicking though ;). When my children don’t want to be cuddled or tickled, I let them go immediately and patiently wait for them to come up to cuddle or to be tickled. But I also tell them that when I’m eating I don’t want to have a child on my lap and that they need to respect my “no” just as well.
Should my children not comply with the gender role other people may want them to fulfill, then I will try to back them up. I want them to chose whatever they are interested in and enjoy, no matter whether those things are currently considered “girl things” or “boy things”. I will also try to correctly classify the possible negative reactions together with them: as narrow-mindedness of other people. The opinions of those people, who make disparaging remarks, need to be challenged. And maybe, by offering another perspective, they might reconsider their point of view. Opinions can change. After all, we are all “victims” of our upbringing. I have been able to adjust many ideas and opinions myself only after others have taken the time to point out mistakes and to make me understand their perspective better. A negative attitude does not always mean that the person is unable to change their mind. Sometimes they just have not yet properly engaged with a topic, or they lack important information.
There are those humans who love hustle and bustle and lots of people around them, and those who want to be alone a lot. I see that with children too: some run enthusiastically towards every new thing, others quietly observe and walk towards it somewhat later. You don’t need to judge that. And you don’t have to force your children to be one way or the other. Instead, just let them be themselves and help them figure out what’s good for them and how much stimulation they need. If my children behave “differently” than other children, I will make an extra effort not to make them feel that they are wrong and that they need to change to conform to the majority. If you don’t fit into a system, it can also be that the system is just not good 😉 For example autism. Only after there was a label, a diagnosis, could people with autism be better understood and accepted. Of course, diagnoses sometimes have real advantages, because then you may have a better understanding of how you can help a person find their way around. Sometimes diagnoses are absolutely important! The problem I see, however, is that you often need a diagnosis before being different is accepted. I think instead of having to say “I can’t help it, I have xyz”, or “I am xyz.” , “I’m like this and I need that” should be enough, independent from a diagnosis. How often do we google something and realize with relief that what we are experiencing even has a name and (many) other people feel the same way. It helps to give “it” a name, but it should not only become “legitimate” when there is an official label. One should not have to feel that one is wrong for feeling the way they feel until there is a diagnosis that justifies or explains it. So if my children should deviate in any way without there being a term for it and it doesn’t limit their lives (otherwise you would have to act), and it is just different, I hope I can give them the reassurance that they are fine the way they are.
On a final note
We live in an unjust world and there is much to be done. It’s not possible for one person to save the whole world, but if everyone contributes a bit, we can make progress. And that “bit” sometimes requires to be difficult. Not only to pursue personal interests, but also to pave the way for those who cannot (yet) do it themselves, or who do not (yet) dare. Sometimes the opposition is just slight mockery or incomprehension, sometimes the reactions are serious and even life-threatening. I thought about whether I should only write about the small, personal issues (e.g. no alcohol, clothes) or only about the big ones (e.g. homosexuality), because putting the two together seemed strange to me. Homosexuals, especially the first to come out, were often exposed to massive violence. Just being annoyed when people try to get me to drink alcohol seems completely irrelevant in comparison. But it was relatively easy for me because others paved the way for me. And many homosexual people today can have an almost normal everyday life because others have done the groundwork before them. But because they too openly show who they are today, even if it may not always be perceived as an effort, they in turn pave the way for others who find it difficult to show that they are different from the “norm”.
We have much more in common than what separates us. But the differences can and should be shown. Because when different is perceived as exciting and not dangerous, we can stop hiding, or feeling ashamed, or pretending that we are someone that we are not. I think everyone has something they don’t want to show publicly, that they might only dare to talk about with their closest friends, if at all. I think that’s really sad. I’m convinced that the vast majority of what we assume only affects us, probably happens to a great many, and we’re all trying to maintain an image which doesn’t capture who we really are, just for the sake of not to being perceived as strange or wrong. If you find that your path deviates from the majority’s path, even if it’s just a small deviation but which is important to you, then yes, I hope you to take that path and see where it leads.
Yours,
RE